This is the story about how I lost and found myself again. At first, I want a happy life. It is like my philosophy. Until one day, I experienced the feeling that I should be happy but I could not.
The story began when I made one of my childhood dreams come true and broke most of my limits at that time. I joined in two contest. One is about eloquence and the other is about marketing and intellectual property. Luckily, I made it to the final round, both of them. I could not drop any single contest. Then I tried to balance. While preparing individual performance at the eloquent contest, I had to complete composition with my team for the other one and secure studying at university. I got fairly good achievements. I proved again “You are your only limit” when joining a marketing contest, a new field to me; I fulfilled my passion of speaking and sharing positive value in eloquent contest; I came to Hanoi for the first time as I dreamed. I relatively succeeded. That is my proud achievement until now.
However, it was also my biggest failure. I was too tired to enjoy happiness. Because I paid too expensive: myself. That night, when I had just arrived home from the final round of eloquent contest. My feeling was mostly disappointed about myself. If I had prepared more carefully, I could have succeeded more. At that moment, I saw the message from my teammate that we had to implement the hard copy of our composition in new format before morning. I cried, feeling hopeless. I had no time to take any rest, to calm down myself from a failure. It was about 1 a.m. and I had a flight to Hanoi at 7 a.m. In spite of being exhausted, both mental and physical sides, I had to complete our composition. I knew that I was the only one who could do it. I asked myself “Am I happy?” Absolutely no. I even thought about a reasonable reason to escape, which meant I would not go to Hanoi to attend the final round and pass the opportunity to fulfil my dream. However, I did not choose that way. Responsibility kept me conscious. Next morning, I flew to Hanoi, alone. That was the first time I had a flight. But I was not happy, I did not enjoy. I feel depressed as I lost myself. I did something that did not make me happy at all. “What am I trying for?” Finally, my team had quite good performance. I knew that I shoud be happy, but I could. I tried to smile, tried to be original but from the inside, I was crying heavily. I was hurted by myself.
This story may simple and normal, but it is the last straw, the straw that breaks the camel’s back. From then, I suffered anxiety disorder, a mental illness, for over a year. I thought so much that I could not sleep well at night. I slowly realized I could not feel happy as I used to. Then, I spent more time for myself doing some simple things that make me slow. I learnt to forgive, learnt to accept.
And I am new now. I no longer look for happiness, I look for meaning. That change in thinking gives me the chance to enjoy with what I have. I am more flexible and full of optimism. I am now satisfied with that.
The story began when I made one of my childhood dreams come true and broke most of my limits at that time. I joined in two contest. One is about eloquence and the other is about marketing and intellectual property. Luckily, I made it to the final round, both of them. I could not drop any single contest. Then I tried to balance. While preparing individual performance at the eloquent contest, I had to complete composition with my team for the other one and secure studying at university. I got fairly good achievements. I proved again “You are your only limit” when joining a marketing contest, a new field to me; I fulfilled my passion of speaking and sharing positive value in eloquent contest; I came to Hanoi for the first time as I dreamed. I relatively succeeded. That is my proud achievement until now.
However, it was also my biggest failure. I was too tired to enjoy happiness. Because I paid too expensive: myself. That night, when I had just arrived home from the final round of eloquent contest. My feeling was mostly disappointed about myself. If I had prepared more carefully, I could have succeeded more. At that moment, I saw the message from my teammate that we had to implement the hard copy of our composition in new format before morning. I cried, feeling hopeless. I had no time to take any rest, to calm down myself from a failure. It was about 1 a.m. and I had a flight to Hanoi at 7 a.m. In spite of being exhausted, both mental and physical sides, I had to complete our composition. I knew that I was the only one who could do it. I asked myself “Am I happy?” Absolutely no. I even thought about a reasonable reason to escape, which meant I would not go to Hanoi to attend the final round and pass the opportunity to fulfil my dream. However, I did not choose that way. Responsibility kept me conscious. Next morning, I flew to Hanoi, alone. That was the first time I had a flight. But I was not happy, I did not enjoy. I feel depressed as I lost myself. I did something that did not make me happy at all. “What am I trying for?” Finally, my team had quite good performance. I knew that I shoud be happy, but I could. I tried to smile, tried to be original but from the inside, I was crying heavily. I was hurted by myself.
This story may simple and normal, but it is the last straw, the straw that breaks the camel’s back. From then, I suffered anxiety disorder, a mental illness, for over a year. I thought so much that I could not sleep well at night. I slowly realized I could not feel happy as I used to. Then, I spent more time for myself doing some simple things that make me slow. I learnt to forgive, learnt to accept.
And I am new now. I no longer look for happiness, I look for meaning. That change in thinking gives me the chance to enjoy with what I have. I am more flexible and full of optimism. I am now satisfied with that.
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